6th February 2012

Today has been one of those days I wish I could curl up, go to sleep and hibernate for a year.  Depression is hitting me harder than ever and the periods of being happy are shorter and further apart.  It's at times like this I wonder what is the point of living.  Being restricted in what I can do makes me realize that what little I manage to do isn't appreciated by anybody.  I don't expect to thanked for what I do but it would be nice if at least one person noticed.  I am tired of making light of it with friends.  I know they care but I am too scared to open up completely about how I am feeling as they don't understand depression or how it feels to suffer.  Normally I can find something to get engrossed in but I have given up the will to try and too tired to put up a front anymore.  Part of me wants to scream, yell and have a good cry but I haven't got the energy to do that either.

I'm also losing the will to talk about adoption as well as I can't change attitudes either.  Even if I could only change Anthony's attitude I would be happy but he has made it quite clear how he feels.  It hurts so much.  Adoption will always be my painful cross to bear and nothing can change that.  I lost my one chance of motherhood.  Nothing can change that and it's something I wish I could have achieved.  That will never happen but having another child wouldn't have replaced him.  I hate feeling the way I do.  I should be happy that we reunited but instead it made the pain worse.  Reunion couldn't replace the lost years.  I am not the mother he wanted to find.  I cannot give him anything except love and he has chucked that back in my face.  i cannot do anything than I have already done.  I still feel guilty and blame myself for our reunion going badly yet I know I am not responsible for his actions.

I try to be positive about the future but don't have any goals for the future.  Those were lost when Anthony was adopted.  Extra time in the form of reunion just made the game of life worse.  Nothing can make me feel better as I can't turn the clocks back and raise my precious son....