19th January 2013

 

Today has been one of my better days as I increasingly suffering with severe depression.  For many years it was just certain times of the year that I suffered.  This past year has been a particularly bad one. My mother dying last April probably hasn't helped either.  All I had ever wanted was my mother to apologise for her part in my son being adopted.  I still remember the terrible things she said to me.  My mother had been emotionally abusive towards me for years.  By the time my son was born my self esteem and confidence were low.  I believed every word I was told.  This included being told I would be a bad mother, I wouldn;t cope, I would lose my job, she would make sure I was homeless, I wouldn't get any benefits and more on the same lines.  I believed every thing I was told.  Eventually I emotionally shut down and hot to the point that I didn't trust anybody.  After all I couldn't trust my parents so who could I trust?

Surrendering a child to adoption is an invisible amputation.  The mother and child bond is unique so when they are split nothing can replace that bond.  It is the most painful, gut wrenching experience I have ever been through.  I wouldn't want to put anybody through what I went through. The only people who really understand what it's like are other mothers who have surrendered.